Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

There are a few different sites circulating the web which try to explain how a number of savvy philosophers might respond a ridiculous question or a banal prompt (i.e. why did the chicken cross the road, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck, etc...). I've recently sent out a 10-page letter to dozens of respected philosophers around the world to determine what their philosophical response would be to the simple question of: Who framed Roger Rabbit?

Here's a compilation of my findings so far:

Plato: [No response, feared dead]

Aristotle: [No response, feared dead]

Friedrich Nietzsche: [No response, feared dead]

John Locke: [No response, feared dead]

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel: [No response, feared dead]

Confucius: [No response, feared dead]

René Descartes: “Je pense que son nom était ‘Judge Doom,' ou quelque chose, j'oublient. Je sais qu'il a été joué par Christopher Lloyd. En outre, je dois dire : quoique j'aie été mort pendant plus de 450 années, vous êtes parvenu à obtenir une réponse de moi. Sacre bleu!

Voltaire: [No response, feared dead]

Karl Popper: [No response, feared dead]

Ayn Rand: [No response, feared dead… probably from reading her own shitty books]Karl Marx: “Dieses Dirne Jessica Rabbit!” [this statement was found attached to his will. One can only assume he was referring to the movie]

Summary of my results: some of the responses surprised, some left me horrified, some made me chuckle while still others made me weep. All in all, I think you can clearly understand how these men would react to a question as pivotal as “Who framed Roger Rabbit?” Please, don’t shower me with affection all at once. I know this is a life-changing look into the world of philosophy, but seriously, I’m no saint…

No, I’m just the reincarnation of an all-powerful deity. Now bow down and worship me.

The People You Meet In 1000-Level Courses

We’ve all seen them… sat next to them… made a personal vow that the next time we had to put up with their shit we’d stab someone in the parathyroid gland (it’s a small endocrine gland in the neck that produce the parathyroid hormone [PTH] which acts to increase the concentration of calcium in the blood… good stuff, look it up). I’m of course talking about the extensive array of people that you encounter in any 1000-level course at a typical college environment.

1000-level courses are usually those worthless, pre-entry, already-learned-this-from-my-eighth-grade-teacher classes. If you’re a music major (and I am) it’s probably “An Introduction to Anthropology.” If you’re an English literature major, it’s probably “The Physics of Falling Dirt Clumps.” And if you’re pre-med, it’s probably “Music Appreciation” (and let’s face it, most people don’t really appreciate music). Regardless, these classes suck. And most of the time, it’s not even the teacher’s fault. They don’t want to be there anymore than you do. No, what makes classes like these suck are those stereotyped students who never cease to amaze me. No, no wait… not amaze me, they never cease to piss me off. Here’s a nice little diagram I conjured up to help explain the awful people (mostly) you will meet along the way:

• The “cell phone text-messenger” girl (Red) – I honestly think it would less annoying if she just talked to her friend on the phone than clicked a worthless “OMG THIS CLASS SUX” message to the girl she just saw nine minutes ago. Also, I know she’s trying to be “courteous” by turning off her ringer of Ashlee Simpson’s newest musical abortion, but it doesn’t help when she receives a new message every 53 seconds and she leaves the phone on vibrate as it sits on top of a wooden desk (The red semi-circle represents the range that the teeth-gnawing sound of “taptaptapclickitytapclickclack” makes.).

• The “call on me for everything” girl (Teal) – I really hate this one. She is the epitome of self-absorbed teacher’s pet. She always sits up front even though she’s the first one to class. She always asks the teacher how his/her weekend was within the first 12 seconds of his/her entrance, and then when the teacher rhetorically asks how everyone is doing, she jumps to and gives a thorough response with a nauseating smile. And she always blurts out the obvious answer to the teacher’s example question one millisecond before the power-point slideshow gets to it. Jesus Christ! We all know the three bones in the inner ear—SHUT THE FUCK UP! (By the way it’s the anvil, stirrup, and hammer in case you missed that day of 5th grade science).
  

• The “annoyingly loud sleeper” guy (White) – He’s either drunk, stupid, or has nothing better to do with his life than live off daddy’s check and fail at the game of life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dozed off a few times myself. But this guy turns it into a show: always adjusting and rearranging on his desk, snoring so loud he actually startles himself and wakes up… I’ve even seen one guy sleep himself out of his own chair.
  
  
• The “I’m not even trying to hide my cheating” guy (Purple) – This guy’s a hoot. Never says a word, always shows up late, and is rarely seen without his longboard that he leaves by the front door. He’ll scout the room for about 5 seconds looking for that unlucky person who happens to have a notebook out. Target acquired. When the quiz gets passed around, this guy is completely unaware of how obvious he’s being. He’s trying not to move his upper body, but his head is turned sideways, eyes in the lower corner, and almost always has his pencil in front of his lips so no one sees him “mouth the answers” he’s reading off your paper. Next time this guy sits next to you write down a bullshit answer for every question in the first five minutes. Then, when he gets up to turn his paper in, erase everything and start over.
  
  
• The “I look tough, but I actually want to learn” guy (Yellow) – A rare breed, but they exist. This guy shows up with his hat turned backwards, piercings galore, and a look that says “Unggg… Ungagoomahaa” (because he’s usually a big oaf). Nevertheless, this bohemith is trying his little heart out to learn the material that his parents so obviously forgot to nurture him with. He’s usually pretty quiet sitting in the back corner there with those eyebrows pressed hard, but just watch him for a while. Eventually, when the material starts getting heavy, you watch him as his eyes start to well up with sadness and frustration. He really wants to learn. He is trying to make himself a better human being. Don’t feel pity for him… help him. “Hey, how’s it going? Did you get all that? She’s kinda talking pretty fast—this is what I’ve got in my notes.” Be the Good Samaritan.
  
  
• The “I’ve got nothing better to do than make retarded commentary about the people sitting around me” guy (Green) – Oh, wait… that’s me.

Microsoft’s Newest Windows: “Vista”

Yeah, but did it get rid of that annoying glitch in Spider Solitaire?

Microsoft Corporation has already released its newest version of Windows—entitled “Vista” (formerly codename: Longhorn)—in beta format to developers and IT professionals earlier this month. While there is no set launch date for the software giant’s newest project, I can only pray that they have left themselves enough time to re-think the greatest thing Windows XP had going for it: Spider Solitaire.



Yes, though it may have been hidden behind XP’s “highlights” such as a green “start” button, a nifty grass-covered hill desktop picture, and a soothing Windows start-up jingle, Spider Solitaire clearly became the reason to own the extremely expensive operating system.

Nevertheless, after my many winnings—including my 17 wins in a row (on beginner, I don’t like medium or hard, it’s too stressful)—I became frustrated by one of the drawbacks to Microsoft’s greatest gift to the computer public. At least once in every five games I would accidentally hit the face-down card in the lower right of the screen twice, thereby dealing out two consecutive sets of extra playing cards! Talk about your big BUM-ER!

It’s so frustrating. I almost always start the game on fire. Sometimes, I’ll get an entire King-thru-Ace set before I ever have to hit the first deal! But then somewhere along the lines I get frazzled and hit that dastardly card twice when I really only wanted to do it once. Then it’s a never-ending pileup of cards that I can’t move anywhere because all of a sudden, I have five 8-of-Clovers laying around with no 9’s to put them on.

Microsoft can talk all they want about updating the “network proxies” of this and integrating the “total information communication systems” of that, but if they don’t do anything about this horrific flaw in Spidey (I call it “Spidey” for short ☺), then they can just forget about selling their product to me. I fell for the glitz and glamour of Windows 2000 last time, and all I had to show for it was Minesweeper. Minesweeper! What a joke! I don’t understand that game at all. I click the little boxes, and I either see a number or a bomb. Either way, in the end, the little smiley face at the top always died—and I hate to see a little smiley face with X-ed out eyes ☺.

I should’ve stayed with my Tandy 1000.

Review of "In Your Honor" (2 of 2)

So I’m a few weeks overdue for the 2nd half of the review, sue me. The acoustic disc definitely takes longer to digest. You’re not able to simply headbang to a song and label it “good.” You’ve now have to take in each element and weigh it in the balance of the “song as a whole.” Nevertheless, the acoustic disc of In Your Honor comes very close to kicking the rock disc’s ass. It doesn’t, but the rock disc could feel the moving air from the acoustic disc’s swing.



1. “Still” – What a soothing, hypnotic song to start a mellow, acoustic album with. This one has so many layers, I can’t believe it’s fat-free. The first 15 seconds sound like the sunrise. I actually feel warmer when I hear that intro. And the crazily-loud piano note at the beginning of the chorus practically breathes down your neck. The lyrics only help establish the idea that it’s a warm, surreal, and sunny day outside. Everything just seems to sit still. (Overall 10/10)

2. “What If I Do?” – Lord? What if I don’t? This song is very melancholy is its nature. It’s almost hard to hear what the actual melody is doing sometimes because the lyrics are by far the most up-front aspect of the whole tune—and for good reason. Questioning the possibility of rekindling that old fire means giving up a lot (and in Dave’s case, apparently “everything, just to find you”). (Overall: 9/10)

3. “Miracle” – This one will have to grow on you, but don’t worry, it will. This one is the quintessential “prom song” as done by a band you wouldn’t think of producing such a thing. Straightforward lyrics and a relatively simple melody line leave this song wide open to just be enjoyed. When Dave holds that last note after saying “And there ain’t no way I’ll let you take it away,” all you’ll wanna do is slow dance with that special someone and close your eyes. Go ahead… no one’s watching. (Overall: 8/10)

4. “Another Round” – The imagery of “we could just lay around” pops up more than twice in this album. Dave really sounds like he wants to just take things slowly and relax a little bit. This one has a slightly different preface, though. Yeah, he wants to go another round, but that first time wasn’t necessarily the most enjoyable (When she goes storming out / I run for cover)—yikes! Regardless, let’s make amends. How bout it? (Overall 8/10)

5. “Friend of a Friend” – You want some depth? Check this one out. Grohl said this was the first song he ever wrote (in 1991 at Kurt Cobain’s house). It sounds eerily similar to “Something in the Way”—Cobain’s autobiographical song about living under a leaking tarp underneath a city bridge (check out the acoustic version for the haunting cello that plays through it). “Friend of a Friend” seems too simplistic at first listen. You want more detail, but it never comes. This is not entirely a bad thing. All of a sudden, “he” becomes you in whatever situation you think of when you become entranced by this somber number. (Overall 9/10)

6. “Over and Out” – A simple riff played through most of the song keeps you interested as to what’s going to happen next. The chorus is certainly much more cheery, but still seems like something is missing. All is forgiven by the time the outro/2nd chorus hits. You catch the full ambience of this song and wonder if Dave is saying this whole thing over a CB radio. (Overall 8/10)

7. “On the Mend” – At first glance, it could just be about a breakup, but I think there’s more to it than that. I think this is about losing someone entirely. “Close your eyes and stay a while / But take me when you go / Single file we walk the miles / Wandering back home.” This last little bit of a verse sounds like Dave wants to go the crossroads with whomever he may have lost. He’s telling the person to “pay no mind, I’m doing fine / I’m breathing on my own” as if saying “I’m not the one people should be worrying about.” Then again, the whole thing could be a dream… (Overall 8/10)

8. “Virginia Moon” – Who knew Norah Jones and Dave Grohl would sound so kickass together? Quite simply, this song sounds like one giant “wish upon a star.” And the moon they’re talking about may not be the physical “hunk o’ cheese” moon. Nevertheless, this bossa-nova-fused piece is easily one of the best songs on both Disc 1 and 2. (Overall 10/10)

9. “Cold Day in the Sun” – Granted, Ringo never had the best voice in the world, but it was always a breath of fresh air when the Beatles let the drummer take a turn doing lead vocals every once in a while. The same applies to this song. That’s right, that’s Taylor Hawkins singing. And yes, that’s a bit of some “chorus” effect to help drown out possible vocal errors, but it works well with the song. The 12-string guitar intro reminds me of the mid 60’s hit “California Dreaming” by the Mamas and the Papas (I know that song doesn’t use a 12-string, so what?). On the whole, it would be fun to see Taylor do some more vocal work, but perhaps as a harmonizer to Dave’s leads. (Overall 8/10)

10. “Razor” – Wow. That was my first reaction when I heard this song. It was also my second, third, fifth and sixth (my fourth was “goddamn!”). You know you’ve got a great song to work with when you can strip it down to its core elements (vocals and whatever lead rhythm instrument is used) and the song still kicks ass. No doubt this song touches on the subject of suicide, but it’s not a depressing or sad look at it. In some twisted way, Dave is glorifying his “sweet and divine” razorblade. Whether or not razor is going to be used for its initial intentions is up in the air, until then, “we could spend a lifetime waiting here.” (Overall 11/10)



The only bad part about this disc is that it ends. At just over 43 minutes, you really want to hear more of what the Foo’s are capable of. Yeah these 10 help answer that inquiry, but I want more, more I say! Regardless, if the Foo’s do decide to do an acoustic portion during their setlist for this next tour, I will be well prepared with lighters.

Must Listen To: “Razor,” “Virginia Moon,” “Still,” and “Friend of a Friend”

Could’ve Done Without: “Uhh…?”

Overall: 10/10

Review of "In Your Honor" (1 of 2)

First off, this is only a review of the first of two discs. The second disc is all acousticy-chill stuff and will be examined in future update. The first disc, however, is 10 songs of brute rock a lá typical Foo Fighters—which is rarely ever a bad thing. Without further ado:



1. “In Your Honor” – The title track. It starts off how rock a rock album should: incoherent distortion that continuously grows towards one massive “AHHHHHHHHH” at the end. The lyrics are good, but nothing spectacular. Dave screams about how he, ahem, screams about his willingness to sacrifice his life for your honor “for you to feel alive.” Good stuff overall, and jumps right into song two… (Overall: 9/10)

2. “No Way Back” – The riff that starts this song is a combination of “Win or Lose” (A FF’ single from the “Out Cold” soundtrack—great song) and “A Crow Left of the Murder” (The song, not the entire album). The fact that this riff is a little reminiscent of both of these tunes is by no means a bad thing; on the contrary, the familiarity gets you fist-pumping immediately. The lyrics to the chorus have a pretty cool theme about them: meeting someone for the first time, feeling that chemistry immediately, and just going crazy having a good time while not looking back (get all that?). (Overall: 9/10)

3. “Best of You” – Seriously, if you haven’t heard this song yet, then it’s kind of odd that you’d even care about a FF CD review in the first place. Nevertheless, this song rocks, and will no doubt be a live staple for the remainder of the Foo’s days. The synchronization of the guitars and drums make the perfect backdrop for the vocals—which are clearly out front and the highlight of the song. Lyrically, the rhyme scheme is amazing, and while you might expect that to hinder the actual flow of words, it actually moves nicely. (Overall: 10/10)

4. “DOA” – This song would be 100% kickass if it weren’t for the overly-pop chorus. It doesn’t work with the theme of the lyrics and the music for the verses (which are awesome). In my opinion, this song is clearly about a breakup/divorce. We can only hope Dave is speaking metaphorically when he says “It’s a shame we have to die, my dear/No one’s getting out of here alive/this time.” (Overall 7.5/10)

5. “Hell” – To my taste, this song just doesn’t have enough to ever really get going. This may be due to the fact that the song is a few seconds under two minutes. Even still, the song just doesn’t seem like it’s rocking enough to be singing “Sing farewell/see you in hell.” The vocals are really good, though. Kinda makes you wonder if Dave would’ve been in an a’capella group had he finished high school… (Overall: 7/10)

6. “The Last Song” – I’m not sure what to make of this one. It’s good, but I don’t find myself as excited as I do earlier in the album. A catchy chorus that’s really only two lines long, Dave sings about how he’s tired [of you] and damn it, this is the last song he’s going to dedicate to you. Reminds me of that thing where people tell you over and over again how they’re “not gonna talk to you anymore.” (Overall: 7/10)

7. “Free Me” – Now we’re rocking again! This song has a killer riff that continues thru most of the song, and the lyrics are all about Dave needing to be freed from his mind and thoughts because they’re reminding him of all the bad times. The outro is also definitely a keeper: “Oh! O-oo! Oh!” I… I guess you have to hear it. (Overall: 9/10)

8. “Resolve” – re•solve (r -z lv ) – 1.To make a firm decision about. See also slower FF songs: “Big Me,” “Walking After You,” “Halo,” or “Next Year” (there’s one on every album). The noticeably slower song doesn’t quite do it for me. It definitely has it’s moments, but as a whole, it sounds to me like the type of song the rest of the band would play live with absolutely zero emotion on their faces. (Overall 7/10)

9. “The Deepest Blues Are Black” – Amen, brotha Dave. Dave holds back nothing on this one calling out “Shame on you/Seducing everyone/You faded jewel/You diamond in the rough/You don’t have to tell me/I know where you’ve been.” Me-ow! I swear if Dave Grohl were a woman, he’d have just called some other ho a bitch started ripping out her hair. Alas, he’s not a she, he’s a he, and he writes really groovin’ songs like this. The verse builds you towards a gut-wrenching chorus. (Overall (9/10)

10. “End Over End” – This is how you end an album. From the first strums, this song gets your head bobbing, and once the lyrics come in, they don’t disappoint. Before the second pre-chorus/chorus section hits, you’re already singing along, which is either a sign of a shitty song (anyone remember that god-awful “Follow Me” song Uncle Kracker did?) or a really kickass one that is one giant cathartic release because it hits home so instantly. I’ll let you guess which category this one falls under. Needless to say, I have a hard time not speeding on the highway when I listen to this one (Overall: 10/10)



All in all, this CD most definitely met the expectations that were looming for the much-talked about double-feature. Dave said the idea of doing one rock and one acoustic disc was intriguing because it would allow him to go as hard as he wanted, and as soft as he wanted. While this may not be the Foo’s hardest rocking tunes (see practically every title on the self-titled album), it certainly shows the always improving songwriting skills of the Lord and Savior of Rock—Dave Grohl.

Must Listen To: “In Your Honor,” “No Way Back,” “Best of You,” “The Deepest Blues Are Black,” and “End Over End.”

Could’ve Done Without: “Hell” and “Resolve”

Overall: 9/10

People from Wal-Mart have no sense of humor

On my way back up to Denver Monday night, I stopped at the Wal-Mart on North Academy to see if I might be able to get the new Foo Fighters' CD that (technically) comes out Tuesday.



I show up in the entertainment area of Ball-Cart at 10:30 p.m., and two employees are sitting around one checkout station—which, first of off, it's 10:30 at night on a Monday. How many people do you need to swipe a CD?—doing absolutely nothing.

I’m the only person for about 100 yards in every direction. As I slowly approach the two, foolishly wait for a moment to see if they’d acknowledge my existence, and finally crack and ask for their help, I ask if they have a box of the new Foo Fighters' CD. I mention that the CD comes out on "Tuesday" with a sarcastic smile and look at my ticking watch: 10:45 p.m. The 36-I-wish-I-were-still-26-year-old looks at me quizzically and says, "No, I haven’t seen any boxes around. And even if we did, we couldn’t sell it to you yet, there’d be a $10,000 fine for selling it early.”

I’m a bit taken aback. All I want is the CD. I’m not looking to rat out two graveyard shift-taking Wal-Mart employees to the FCC. I give a chuckle. I have no doubts he’s not “allowed” to sell me the CD yet, but he’s joking about being fined… right? His face goes back to being the stone-wall it was before he recognized I was even in the store.

“It’s not like I’m planning on telling anyone. I was just hoping if you guys have some CD’s ready to be put on the shelf, I might have one a few minutes early.”

All of a sudden, the girl who’s been sitting with her back to me this whole time turns around in a rather rude way and blurts,

“The computer would know. We’d scan it, it’d go through the system, it’d recognize when we made the sale, and then they’d fine the store $10,000 and they’d terminate us.”

“Jesus,” I said retorting quickly, “they’d kill you?”

At this point, I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to get a CD, but I figure I could at least lighten up the mood in the “entertainment” section of Mall-Wart. My response was not only non-existent, they actually looked like they wanted to beat me up. After standing still for another awkward few seconds, I slowly shuffle off more pissed off at Will-Fart than ever before.

I swear… people who work at that shitty store have no sense of humor.

REPOST! (September 2010) I PREDICTED HIPSTERS!

I didn't want to be right... Spaghetti Monster knows I didn't want to be right. I understand the word "hipster" has been around for ages, but it was never personified the way it has been over the last year or two. That being said, think about what was going in in 2005. The "best" albums of the year (according to Spin Magazine) included Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, My Morning Jacket, and Death Cab for Cutie (read: indie/hipster breeding ground).

Ergo, I'm going to repost my original entry from over 5 years ago which--through very confusing circular logic--predicted the rise of hipsters... and the fall of civilization.

______________________________________________________________

I have figured out the ebb and flow (and consequences) of the trends of today's society.

Really.

Try and follow me here…

My main theory is this: the fads of our society are in a continuous cycle that will eventually swallow us all whole and kill everyone (that last part is only in there so in case it actually happens, I can say, “Ha ha, you didn’t believe me, but I told you so.”).

Here’s how it all works…

Black people (specifically black men) are currently setting the standards and trends in today’s social world. White men try to adopt the positive traits associated with today’s black man. Women (specifically white women) want to have the positive social benefits typically attributed to white men. And white men in general are the ones fucking everything up!

Let’s try putting this all into context:

Women currently account for 96% of the sports analyst positions in nearly every channel on television (Telemundo excluded). Most of these women work at these positions simply because at some point in time, a man said they couldn’t (I’m not saying women don’t know their sports, but the transition from all male analysts to all female analysts has been practically overnight). Anytime one of the color commentators wants details about a game situation, they always send it down to “Susie Jockstrap on the field.”

This sudden change in the sports market has had a direct effect on the amount of estrogen in today’s average male (white). The more the women analyze sports, the more the men (white) become little pussies. Point in case: the metrosexual.

The metrosexual pampers his own hair more than Donald Trump’s wig-maker, and can be seen spending more time in the bathroom than his “girlfriend.” Once the women started taking over the sports positions, men everywhere had collective nervous breakdowns and started tweezing their eyebrows. THIS sudden change in white men acting more like women has had a dramatic effect on black men. Namely, the power and control black men once had over white men is nearly gone. Therefore, black men have started to portray those who white men now act like… white women. Case in point: Kanye West starting the trend of “men” wearing pink.




















THIS has all had an immediate relapse effect back on the women. Now, women (again, white) feel as if the men (white) are emulating the style of black men… which makes the white women want to be more like black men. Case in Point: Gwen Stefani—who apparently “ain’t no ‘hollaback’ girl” (probably because Gavin Rossdale has no idea what the fuck that means… by the way, British men are a completely different story and don't come into play in my theory).




















By the way, take notice the tie she’s wearing… interesting.

All in all, the path the country is on is a bad one, and if we don’t stop the bandwagon soon, this is my guess for what white men will look like in five years:

Stephen Hawking is a Fucking Killing Machine!

I'm sorry... I really had no reason to update this other than to show you the new cyber-tronic killing machine that is Stephen Hawking. I'm glad the title was able to get your attention though. It really makes you think just how bored you are to actually want to read more about Stephen Hawking killing things.

Anyways... have a nice day. I'm sure I'll actually update this sometime soon.

Google to release “Home Search”

JESUS SPRINGS, CO—Internet search spectacle Google (NYSE: GOOG) revealed today plans for the release of a "next generation" search application for home use. No, not a program used for searching on your home computer—the actual home you live in.

Dave Girouard, general manager of Google Enterprise, said the next logical step after helping people search for a car would be to help them find the damn car keys once in a while.



"At Google we understand the youth of today is becoming more and more comfortable with the computer, they don't need help organizing their program files," Girouard said. "However, our research shows that nearly 1-in-3 eight-year-olds spend, roughly, three hours per month looking for his or her shoes before they go outside to play."

Girouard goes on to claim that those three hours, "could be used for better activities to help stimulate an eight-year-old's maturing mind... such as searching for porn on Google."

The new application, which is set to be released in the fourth quarter of this year, is said to be available to the public for free. To help pay for bandwidth and processing costs Google will rely on its "non-distracting" advertisements. However, instead of appearing next to your searches like they on the computer, translucent bubbles will pop up next to the head of the person you are talking with.

"If a kid asks his mom 'Hey mom, what's for dinner?" Google Home Search will be able to scan the acoustic waves in the room, decipher the conversation, and promptly display a list of nearby restaurants and diners that use Google advertising," Girouard explains. "Furthermore, Home Search will be able to detect and translate nearly any world language." He chuckles whilst declaring, "So don't think you can get out of seeing our ads by talking some 'middle-eastern mumbo-jumbo!' Besides, they're, uh, they're really not that distracting... once you get used to them."

All this talk of someone or something scanning conversations has caused quite a stir with some of the public. Claims have been made that Google’s new program would not only be an invasion of privacy, but could also lead to the misuse of the program to aid robberies and even allow small children to find dangerous and potentially hazardous items throughout the house.

“Oh… shit. We hadn’t really thought about that angle. But honestly,” replies Girouard, “you’d have to be pretty twisted to want to find something that’s harmful to you. Google Home Search is intended to find things like the remote control, the sports section of the newspaper, and things like that. I mean—well then again, I have always wondered where my wife hides the Twinkies.”

Word of the Day: "Gratifaction"

It's amazing the type of shit your brain thinks up when it's completely fried after a full week of finals, papers, and tests. "Gratifaction" was my gem the other day. It took me about 10 minutes to realize what I said wasn't an actual word. The sad part was none of the 5 people around me noticed either. They just nodded their head as if they understood from the beginning. This got me thinking (after I napped for 4 hours of course)... what else does our brain tell us is real when we’re so completely consumed in worthless studies? Do you like lists? I like lists... I hope you like lists...

1) Dinner is a 3-hour long process – It's almost like having your own fancy seven-course meal, except you'll be eating Ramen, mac & cheese, and more Ramen instead of filets, soufflé, and parfait... and any other rich-sounding foods. Dinner for the “finals-studying” student consists of telling yourself every 10 minutes that you need a break/are hungry, so you justify this lie by consistently going to the pantry for anything to stuff your face with. Before finals, you didn’t even realize that ice-cubes could be eaten as a meal, but hey, you’re not studying right now… you’re taking a break.

2) Checking everyone’s away messages counts as research – Need an extra citation for your thesis on “Eastern Philosophy’s influence on an Imperialistic America during Manifest Destiny”? Well, be sure to check the profiles of such visionaries as “MasturCheef666,” “SukMaiBawls,” and “voices123456789” (that last one is real, sadly) and let your professor know that Mao Tse Tsung truly believed that in order to understand the universe, one must “PaRtY aT tHe KaPpA-gAmMa-EpSiLoN aLl FuCkIn’ NiGhT” (Tit_e_Twist_er68443).

D) No matter how depressed you are with finals (or perhaps because of it) this website will ALWAYS be able to make you smile – http://www.stfd.net/

3.141592645) Hey! Look at some of the cool symbols you can create by holding “Alt” and pressing different 2 or 3 number combinations on the number pad – ¶ § Æ £… Sweet!

...so it all begins here...

I have zero intentions of making this a typical blog—

First off—sorry, I have to interrupt myself—I hate that fucking word: "blog." How lazy are we today that we can't spell out or say "web-log"? For the love of God, it’s two extra letters! “Blog” makes you sound like a Neanderthal. “Web-log” makes you sound as if you understand how to speak English.

Anyways, as I was saying, I have zero intentions of making this a typical WEB-LOG. I don’t intend to post everyday with updates on my whereabouts or how many times I watched an episode of Family Guy or South Park (4 today). This is going to be a place for me to explore whatever it is that I want to. As the pseudo-headline reads:

This is about what I want to write, not what you want to read. If you don't appreciate my thoughts, go outside and tell a tree... because I honestly don't care.

No Joke. Listen, I am all about discussion. If you feel like you want to converse with me on an issue, do so in a civil manner and I will be more than happy to talk things over with you. But if all you want to do is criticize, then you’re wasting your time, my time, and Google’s server space.

I’ve always loved writing… about things I want to write about. It can be very cathartic when you finally stop and read-back what you vented about. It can also be a great process to help make others feel good—and really, that’s what life’s all about. Think of it like this: if every one person on earth made it his or her responsibility to care for the welfare of two other people, life would be one continuous high.

So now what? What can you expect from this web-log? I can’t guarantee there won’t be ramblings about stuff you probably don’t care about, but what I can promise are funny stories, random thoughts, jokes, rhetorical questions, poetry/lyrics, suggestions on just about any topic…

Vote for Shawn 2005!