REPOST! (September 2010) I PREDICTED HIPSTERS!

I didn't want to be right... Spaghetti Monster knows I didn't want to be right. I understand the word "hipster" has been around for ages, but it was never personified the way it has been over the last year or two. That being said, think about what was going in in 2005. The "best" albums of the year (according to Spin Magazine) included Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, My Morning Jacket, and Death Cab for Cutie (read: indie/hipster breeding ground).

Ergo, I'm going to repost my original entry from over 5 years ago which--through very confusing circular logic--predicted the rise of hipsters... and the fall of civilization.

______________________________________________________________

I have figured out the ebb and flow (and consequences) of the trends of today's society.

Really.

Try and follow me here…

My main theory is this: the fads of our society are in a continuous cycle that will eventually swallow us all whole and kill everyone (that last part is only in there so in case it actually happens, I can say, “Ha ha, you didn’t believe me, but I told you so.”).

Here’s how it all works…

Black people (specifically black men) are currently setting the standards and trends in today’s social world. White men try to adopt the positive traits associated with today’s black man. Women (specifically white women) want to have the positive social benefits typically attributed to white men. And white men in general are the ones fucking everything up!

Let’s try putting this all into context:

Women currently account for 96% of the sports analyst positions in nearly every channel on television (Telemundo excluded). Most of these women work at these positions simply because at some point in time, a man said they couldn’t (I’m not saying women don’t know their sports, but the transition from all male analysts to all female analysts has been practically overnight). Anytime one of the color commentators wants details about a game situation, they always send it down to “Susie Jockstrap on the field.”

This sudden change in the sports market has had a direct effect on the amount of estrogen in today’s average male (white). The more the women analyze sports, the more the men (white) become little pussies. Point in case: the metrosexual.

The metrosexual pampers his own hair more than Donald Trump’s wig-maker, and can be seen spending more time in the bathroom than his “girlfriend.” Once the women started taking over the sports positions, men everywhere had collective nervous breakdowns and started tweezing their eyebrows. THIS sudden change in white men acting more like women has had a dramatic effect on black men. Namely, the power and control black men once had over white men is nearly gone. Therefore, black men have started to portray those who white men now act like… white women. Case in point: Kanye West starting the trend of “men” wearing pink.




















THIS has all had an immediate relapse effect back on the women. Now, women (again, white) feel as if the men (white) are emulating the style of black men… which makes the white women want to be more like black men. Case in Point: Gwen Stefani—who apparently “ain’t no ‘hollaback’ girl” (probably because Gavin Rossdale has no idea what the fuck that means… by the way, British men are a completely different story and don't come into play in my theory).




















By the way, take notice the tie she’s wearing… interesting.

All in all, the path the country is on is a bad one, and if we don’t stop the bandwagon soon, this is my guess for what white men will look like in five years: