Stephen Hawking is a Fucking Killing Machine!

I'm sorry... I really had no reason to update this other than to show you the new cyber-tronic killing machine that is Stephen Hawking. I'm glad the title was able to get your attention though. It really makes you think just how bored you are to actually want to read more about Stephen Hawking killing things.

Anyways... have a nice day. I'm sure I'll actually update this sometime soon.

Google to release “Home Search”

JESUS SPRINGS, CO—Internet search spectacle Google (NYSE: GOOG) revealed today plans for the release of a "next generation" search application for home use. No, not a program used for searching on your home computer—the actual home you live in.

Dave Girouard, general manager of Google Enterprise, said the next logical step after helping people search for a car would be to help them find the damn car keys once in a while.



"At Google we understand the youth of today is becoming more and more comfortable with the computer, they don't need help organizing their program files," Girouard said. "However, our research shows that nearly 1-in-3 eight-year-olds spend, roughly, three hours per month looking for his or her shoes before they go outside to play."

Girouard goes on to claim that those three hours, "could be used for better activities to help stimulate an eight-year-old's maturing mind... such as searching for porn on Google."

The new application, which is set to be released in the fourth quarter of this year, is said to be available to the public for free. To help pay for bandwidth and processing costs Google will rely on its "non-distracting" advertisements. However, instead of appearing next to your searches like they on the computer, translucent bubbles will pop up next to the head of the person you are talking with.

"If a kid asks his mom 'Hey mom, what's for dinner?" Google Home Search will be able to scan the acoustic waves in the room, decipher the conversation, and promptly display a list of nearby restaurants and diners that use Google advertising," Girouard explains. "Furthermore, Home Search will be able to detect and translate nearly any world language." He chuckles whilst declaring, "So don't think you can get out of seeing our ads by talking some 'middle-eastern mumbo-jumbo!' Besides, they're, uh, they're really not that distracting... once you get used to them."

All this talk of someone or something scanning conversations has caused quite a stir with some of the public. Claims have been made that Google’s new program would not only be an invasion of privacy, but could also lead to the misuse of the program to aid robberies and even allow small children to find dangerous and potentially hazardous items throughout the house.

“Oh… shit. We hadn’t really thought about that angle. But honestly,” replies Girouard, “you’d have to be pretty twisted to want to find something that’s harmful to you. Google Home Search is intended to find things like the remote control, the sports section of the newspaper, and things like that. I mean—well then again, I have always wondered where my wife hides the Twinkies.”

Word of the Day: "Gratifaction"

It's amazing the type of shit your brain thinks up when it's completely fried after a full week of finals, papers, and tests. "Gratifaction" was my gem the other day. It took me about 10 minutes to realize what I said wasn't an actual word. The sad part was none of the 5 people around me noticed either. They just nodded their head as if they understood from the beginning. This got me thinking (after I napped for 4 hours of course)... what else does our brain tell us is real when we’re so completely consumed in worthless studies? Do you like lists? I like lists... I hope you like lists...

1) Dinner is a 3-hour long process – It's almost like having your own fancy seven-course meal, except you'll be eating Ramen, mac & cheese, and more Ramen instead of filets, soufflé, and parfait... and any other rich-sounding foods. Dinner for the “finals-studying” student consists of telling yourself every 10 minutes that you need a break/are hungry, so you justify this lie by consistently going to the pantry for anything to stuff your face with. Before finals, you didn’t even realize that ice-cubes could be eaten as a meal, but hey, you’re not studying right now… you’re taking a break.

2) Checking everyone’s away messages counts as research – Need an extra citation for your thesis on “Eastern Philosophy’s influence on an Imperialistic America during Manifest Destiny”? Well, be sure to check the profiles of such visionaries as “MasturCheef666,” “SukMaiBawls,” and “voices123456789” (that last one is real, sadly) and let your professor know that Mao Tse Tsung truly believed that in order to understand the universe, one must “PaRtY aT tHe KaPpA-gAmMa-EpSiLoN aLl FuCkIn’ NiGhT” (Tit_e_Twist_er68443).

D) No matter how depressed you are with finals (or perhaps because of it) this website will ALWAYS be able to make you smile – http://www.stfd.net/

3.141592645) Hey! Look at some of the cool symbols you can create by holding “Alt” and pressing different 2 or 3 number combinations on the number pad – ¶ § Æ £… Sweet!

...so it all begins here...

I have zero intentions of making this a typical blog—

First off—sorry, I have to interrupt myself—I hate that fucking word: "blog." How lazy are we today that we can't spell out or say "web-log"? For the love of God, it’s two extra letters! “Blog” makes you sound like a Neanderthal. “Web-log” makes you sound as if you understand how to speak English.

Anyways, as I was saying, I have zero intentions of making this a typical WEB-LOG. I don’t intend to post everyday with updates on my whereabouts or how many times I watched an episode of Family Guy or South Park (4 today). This is going to be a place for me to explore whatever it is that I want to. As the pseudo-headline reads:

This is about what I want to write, not what you want to read. If you don't appreciate my thoughts, go outside and tell a tree... because I honestly don't care.

No Joke. Listen, I am all about discussion. If you feel like you want to converse with me on an issue, do so in a civil manner and I will be more than happy to talk things over with you. But if all you want to do is criticize, then you’re wasting your time, my time, and Google’s server space.

I’ve always loved writing… about things I want to write about. It can be very cathartic when you finally stop and read-back what you vented about. It can also be a great process to help make others feel good—and really, that’s what life’s all about. Think of it like this: if every one person on earth made it his or her responsibility to care for the welfare of two other people, life would be one continuous high.

So now what? What can you expect from this web-log? I can’t guarantee there won’t be ramblings about stuff you probably don’t care about, but what I can promise are funny stories, random thoughts, jokes, rhetorical questions, poetry/lyrics, suggestions on just about any topic…

Vote for Shawn 2005!