We’ve all seen them… sat next to them… made a personal vow that the next time we had to put up with their shit we’d stab someone in the parathyroid gland (it’s a small endocrine gland in the neck that produce the parathyroid hormone [PTH] which acts to increase the concentration of calcium in the blood… good stuff, look it up). I’m of course talking about the extensive array of people that you encounter in any 1000-level course at a typical college environment.
1000-level courses are usually those worthless, pre-entry, already-learned-this-from-my-eighth-grade-teacher classes. If you’re a music major (and I am) it’s probably “An Introduction to Anthropology.” If you’re an English literature major, it’s probably “The Physics of Falling Dirt Clumps.” And if you’re pre-med, it’s probably “Music Appreciation” (and let’s face it, most people don’t really appreciate music). Regardless, these classes suck. And most of the time, it’s not even the teacher’s fault. They don’t want to be there anymore than you do. No, what makes classes like these suck are those stereotyped students who never cease to amaze me. No, no wait… not amaze me, they never cease to piss me off. Here’s a nice little diagram I conjured up to help explain the awful people (mostly) you will meet along the way:
1000-level courses are usually those worthless, pre-entry, already-learned-this-from-my-eighth-grade-teacher classes. If you’re a music major (and I am) it’s probably “An Introduction to Anthropology.” If you’re an English literature major, it’s probably “The Physics of Falling Dirt Clumps.” And if you’re pre-med, it’s probably “Music Appreciation” (and let’s face it, most people don’t really appreciate music). Regardless, these classes suck. And most of the time, it’s not even the teacher’s fault. They don’t want to be there anymore than you do. No, what makes classes like these suck are those stereotyped students who never cease to amaze me. No, no wait… not amaze me, they never cease to piss me off. Here’s a nice little diagram I conjured up to help explain the awful people (mostly) you will meet along the way:
- The “cell phone text-messenger” girl (Red) – I honestly think it would less annoying if she just talked to her friend on the phone than clicked a worthless “OMG THIS CLASS SUX” message to the girl she just saw nine minutes ago. Also, I know she’s trying to be “courteous” by turning off her ringer of Ashlee Simpson’s newest musical abortion, but it doesn’t help when she receives a new message every 53 seconds and she leaves the phone on vibrate as it sits on top of a wooden desk (The red semi-circle represents the range that the teeth-gnawing sound of “taptaptapclickitytapclickclack” makes.).
- The “call on me for everything” girl (Teal) – I really hate this one. She is the epitome of self-absorbed teacher’s pet. She always sits up front even though she’s the first one to class. She always asks the teacher how his/her weekend was within the first 12 seconds of his/her entrance, and then when the teacher rhetorically asks how everyone is doing, she jumps to and gives a thorough response with a nauseating smile. And she always blurts out the obvious answer to the teacher’s example question one millisecond before the power-point slideshow gets to it. Jesus Christ! We all know the three bones in the inner ear—SHUT THE FUCK UP! (By the way it’s the anvil, stirrup, and hammer in case you missed that day of 5th grade science).
- The “annoyingly loud sleeper” guy (White) – He’s either drunk, stupid, or has nothing better to do with his life than live off daddy’s check and fail at the game of life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dozed off a few times myself. But this guy turns it into a show: always adjusting and rearranging on his desk, snoring so loud he actually startles himself and wakes up… I’ve even seen one guy sleep himself out of his own chair.
- The “I’m not even trying to hide my cheating” guy (Purple) – This guy’s a hoot. Never says a word, always shows up late, and is rarely seen without his longboard that he leaves by the front door. He’ll scout the room for about 5 seconds looking for that unlucky person who happens to have a notebook out. Target acquired. When the quiz gets passed around, this guy is completely unaware of how obvious he’s being. He’s trying not to move his upper body, but his head is turned sideways, eyes in the lower corner, and almost always has his pencil in front of his lips so no one sees him “mouth the answers” he’s reading off your paper. Next time this guy sits next to you write down a bullshit answer for every question in the first five minutes. Then, when he gets up to turn his paper in, erase everything and start over.
- The “I look tough, but I actually want to learn” guy (Yellow) – A rare breed, but they exist. This guy shows up with his hat turned backwards, piercings galore, and a look that says “Unggg… Ungagoomahaa” (because he’s usually a big oaf). Nevertheless, this bohemith is trying his little heart out to learn the material that his parents so obviously forgot to nurture him with. He’s usually pretty quiet sitting in the back corner there with those eyebrows pressed hard, but just watch him for a while. Eventually, when the material starts getting heavy, you watch him as his eyes start to well up with sadness and frustration. He really wants to learn. He is trying to make himself a better human being. Don’t feel pity for him… help him. “Hey, how’s it going? Did you get all that? She’s kinda talking pretty fast—this is what I’ve got in my notes.” Be the Good Samaritan.
- The “I’ve got nothing better to do than make retarded commentary about the people sitting around me” guy (Green) – Oh, wait… that’s me.
